AAA PARENT COACHING

Thirty Days to Better Behaved Children and a Peaceful Home Life Day 5:  Play Time!  

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”

                                                                                                                           Plato

Before we begin, let’s all take a moment to acknowledge everything that you have done so far.  Even if you have only been able to stick with a few action items, you are making an effort to bring peace to your home and to elicit better behavior from your children. Neither of those are easy tasks!  I admire you for your tenacity and hope that you are finding this program to be helpful.

With the weekend coming and spring in the air, I’d like to take a moment to talk about play and strengthening your bond with your child.  If you are reading this, most likely you are finding some aspect of parenting to be especially challenging, and you are probably not enjoying your time with your child as much as you might like.  This is no surprise.  When we are so busy playing chauffeur, party planner, cook, doctor, and all of the other roles we fill as parents, it is so easy to lose sight of how much we actually love our children.  Please, let’s make a habit every day of closing our eyes, envisioning ourselves holding our perfect and exquisite baby in your arms. Remember how nice it felt to have his head in the crook of your arm?  With your eyes closed, summon the utter perfection that was your child and hold that image in your heart for two minutes.  This is helpful for all children and spouses as well.  I invite you to do this exercise for all of your children, but, if you had to select one, select the child that you are having the hardest time with.  You will be surprised by the shift in your thinking that this exercise will bring about.  I invite you to try this exercise every day for twenty to thirty days, again in the hopes that this activity might become a habit.  It works! 

For Day 5 I would like to talk about using play to strengthen your relationship with your child.  Devoting fifteen to twenty minutes a day with your child communicates your love and dedication in an active, real way that your child can understand, I am a big believer in the concept of “Floor Time,” which was made popular by Stanley Greenspan, a noted child psychiatrist.  He discovered that when parents or therapists sat on the floor with a child on the Autistic Spectrum, they could enter their world and make a connection with the child through play.  The only real rules were that the adult had to be giving the child his or her complete attention, following the child’s lead, and to be willing to suspend all judgment and other thoughts beyond the play. 

I initially used Floor Play to relate to my eldest son, who, at the time was basically non verbal and Autistic.  It absolutely worked and I was delighted about the improvements in his mood, behavior, and general level of relatedness.  Over time, I realized that Floor Play could and should be as effective with neuro-typical children, particularly in making a deeper connection with parents.  So, when my children were little, we played everything.  House, playdoh, finger painting, Barbies, Pokemon, and anything else that my children wanted to play. I always followed their lead and tried my best not to answer the phone or let my mind wander in any way. 

As the years have passed, I now play Rock Band, Guitar Hero, Uno, Checkers Beauty Salon, and we play with these really cool electronic hamsters that I forget the name of.  Sometimes the children don’t want to play with me, but instead they might like to bake together, plant flowers, or walk the dog.  Recently, I spent a few hours with my oldest daughter listening to Eminem and Lil Wayne, who she is infatuated with.  Instead of judging them, I listened with an open mind and we actually got to talk about what we thought was and was not appropriate and what some of the real messages behind their songs were.  We had been having a hard time connecting, and this one activity seems to have filled the gap.  She said she loved me and gave me a hug, which shocked me and resulted in numerous entries in my Gratitude Journal! 

Please consider adding twenty minutes to your schedule (maybe before bedtime?)  to play.  Follow your child’s lead completely and don’t try to direct the play in any way.  If your child cannot articulate what they want to play, don’t worry, just follow them along.  For young children you may need to help your child select an activity, and later you may have to be willing to be a dragon, a unicorn, or a Pokemon trainer.  What really matters is that you are connecting with your child in your child’s world.  I would not suggest taking this special time away as a consequence for poor behavior choices.  However, I would absolutely add extra play time as a reward.

Wishing you all the very best,

Elizabeth

Today is a day for observation and planning.  Instead of trying to fix things, let’s just BE and OBSERVE.  Pay attention to what is going on in the immediate environment when things are going well.  What time of day is it?  Who is there?  Where are you?  Is there a safety issue or can you walk out of the room.  Again, note what is happening in the environment when chaos descends. Pay close attention to your own inner voice and how you are feeling physically and emotionally during the day.  Record your findings in your spiral notebook, or jot them down on an index card and then copy the important information in your spiral notebook. To save time you can just tape the index cards into your notebook.  To really get a good handle on things, you want your children to behave normally, which they will not do if they think you are studying them to count up all of the mistakes they are making.  Try to do your best to observe unobtrusively.  What is going on when you feel comfortable in your home? What is happening when you want to bolt?

If you have not already done so, declare your intention to create a more peaceful household on the declarations sheet of your spiral notebook.  If you are still struggling with making that commitment, go back to your spiral notebook and work on your list of obstacles and possible solutions.  Try to make a few entries in your gratitude journal. Five or six sentences are probably enough. 

At some point during the day compile a list of all of your behaviors and your child’s behaviors that you would like to change.  Review the list with your partner or spouse, or go over it by yourself.  Identify two behaviors that you would like to begin with.  Think carefully about what behaviors you want to tackle.  How much energy you have?  How difficult the challenge will be?  I suggest starting small, and then adding new behaviors to the active list of behaviors to be changed as you go along.  Depending on a variety of factors, I usually suggest to clients to start with the easiest item on the list, so that they can enjoy some success, or select the item that bothers you the most.  You may wish to start with one easy item and one that irritates you to death. 

Think about how you are going to make this change.  What is the reward for good behavior? What is the consequence for poor behavior?  For example, I have had enough of my children not putting their basketballs away in the garage.  Instead they leave on the driveway where my husband has almost run them over at least six times. Since this is a behavior that annoys my husband and me and should be fairly easy to put an end to.  We spoke together and decided that the reward for putting the basketball away in the right spot for six out of seven nights or putting away at our request without any back-talk, would be an extra fifteen minutes of shooting on Friday nights.  A perfect score would

result in an extra fifteen minutes playing basketball on Friday and Saturday evening.  Failure to put the basketball away that was simply the result of forgetfulness, would result in losing the privilege of playing basketball after homework was finished the next day.  Failure to put the basketball away that was accompanied by back talk and rudeness would result in losing the privilege for the full week.  

To implement this change, first we would turn to a blank page of the spiral notebook and write “Family Rules” across the top.  Next we wrote the rule in the book using positive language “We Take Good Care Of Our Basketballs and Put Them Away When We Finish With Them.”   When we put our basketballs away every day after we finish using them,, we will get an extra fifteen minutes of basketball on Friday and Saturday night!  If we forget to put our basketballs away we will not be able to play basketball the next day.  If we intentionally chose not to put the basketball away or if we refuse to put them away after Mommy or Daddy tells us to do so, we will not play basketball from Monday until Friday.  If we can get back in control of our angry feelings, and can apologize to Mommy or Daddy for our rude behavior, either in a note or a conversation, we will only lose the basketball for the next day.  On the bottom of the page we put each child’s name with a line above, and asked that everyone sign off above their name.  Then we explained the rules to everyone and we all shook hands.  When we observed the children bringing in their basketballs and putting them away we thanked and praised them specifically and sincerely.  When they did not put their basketballs away we consistently enforced the rules we had noted in the spiral notebook.

In summary, we took the following steps:

1.      We decided on a rule that we thought would be fairly easy to implement but that was also important to both of us.

2.      We wrote down the rule on a page called “Family Rules” in our spiral notebook.

3.      We decided upon the rewards for following the rules and the consequences for not following them

4.      We sat our children down and explained exactly what to expect.

5.      We had each child sign off to confirm their understanding of the new rule

6.      We praised our children when the followed the rules and kept our promise to reward them with extra basketball time.

7.      When necessary we did enforce the negative consequences, but wegave our child an opportunity to redeem himself, which he did with a positive attitude, so he got his basketball privileges back.

Now it is your turn.  Select one to three targeted behaviors at a time.  Decide what the rewards and consequences are going to be. Explain all the details to your children.  Praise and thank them specifically.  When they do not follow the rules impose an immediate consequence.  If you have a babysitter or someone else who is taking care of your child for part of the day, ask them to help enforce this rule as well.  At some point during the day or evening, sit down alone or with your partner or spouse, and select from one to three behaviors that you would like to change.  Decide what the rewards and consequences are going to be.  In my own opinion, I prefer rewards that involve extra time engaged in a positive activity, especially one with mom or dad.  Consequences, on the other hand, work best when they are associated with the problem behavior.

Good Luck!!!

Elizabeth Pflaum

So far, we have purchased two notebooks and some pens.   The more special journal has become our Gratitude Journal, and inside we have made several daily lists of the people, places, or things that we most deeply appreciate.  We are in the process of retraining our brain to focus on the positive. 

We are using the spiral notebook in a number of ways.  We have created a “Declarations Page,” on which we have declared our commitment to move forward with creating the peaceful home that we seek, our intention to maintain our gratitude journal.  We have made lists of the many benefits to our family that will arise as we shift our household to a more peaceful and calm place.  Either we have listed the action items that we will take on to create the changes that we have committed to, or we have listed the obstacles that are preventing us from moving forward and have brainstormed possible solutions. 

Today we are going to make a powerful commitment. We are going to declare that we will control our anger, frustration, and anxiety to the best of our ability.  Before you make this commitment, think it through very carefully.  What strategies are you going to use when you are feeling overwhelmed by intense emotions?  I invite you to ask yourself if anger, frustration, or stress are “working for you” in any way.  If so, consider how you might achieve the result that you seek without engaging in destructive or negative behavior. 

If you are still struggling with making this commitment, please consider your child or children.  Our children are like sponges, and will behave exactly as we behave, not as we say they should behave.   Don’t you want your child to have the life skills to control anger, frustration or worry?  If there is any hesitation here, I invite you to make a brief list of how your child’s life will be better once he or se can control his emotional state.  On a separate sheet of paper in your spiral notebook, please make a list of how your life will improve once you take control of managing your intense emotions AND how your child’s life will change as well. For example you might write sentences similar to these:

1. Billy will begin to learn how to manage his anger as he sees me manage mine.  Hopefully he will learn to get along better with the other kids in his class, and he will not spend so much time getting upset
2. Susie and I will develop a closer relationship.  She will stop feeling afraid of me and we can start to have some more fun together. 
3. Once Lucy can manage her stress better she will be able to relax a little more, enjoy herself at school and on the soccer field, and she will feel better about herself as a person.
4. I will be so much more comfortable with my family and better able to focus on work when I can stop screaming at my children and hating myself for it. 

 Let’s take a minute to consider our own anger style.  Is it explosive?  Passive aggressive?  Repressive?  Do I withdraw when I feel angry?  Do I blame myself even when I had little or nothing to do with the problem?  What changes do I have to make in order to develop a more assertive and compromising anger style?  Do I need to practice telling others why I feel angry?  Do I need to shift my focus during arguments from being right to asserting how I feel?  Do I need to work on compromising instead of sticking with my own beliefs with a closed mind?  You may not come up with all of the answers on this particular day, but you will have planted a seed and you will become more conscious of your own behavior. I would suggest that you continue to engage in this exercise until you are ready to commit to managing your anger and intense no matter what. 

If the time is right you might consider talking with your child about your new commitment to controlling your angry feelings.  If this is also a problem for your child (and I am guessing it is if they have watched you get enraged or taken over by your anger and other emotions), you might tell your child that you think he may have the same problem that you have, but you are confident that you can help him to change. 

Now let’s turn to another page in our spiral notebook and title the page “Things I can do to calm down when I feel angry, frustrated, anxious, or overwhelmed by my emotions.  Think carefully about the things that make you feel better when you are upset and note them on your list.  This is a highly personal activity and there is no one to please with your answers except you.  If your child is interested, invite him or her to do this exercise with you, making his or her own list of things to do when it is time to calm down and get in control.  Some of the items that you might consider are:

• Deep breathing
• Creative Visualization
• Using self-talk to remember that you can handle the situation, or that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be in your world right now
• Getting physical:  shooting hoops, jumping rope, doing sit-ups,
• Distraction:  doing a soduko puzzle, reading my book, writing in my journal, drawing an angry picture, talking to a friend, playing with my pet
• Organizing the kitchen cabinets
• Writing an email to catch up with old friends

You and your child might both decorate your lists and hang  them up either in your rooms or in a common place in your home.  When you are feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, refer to the list and try one of the activities that you had written down. 

One final activity relating to this particular topic is forgiveness.  Forgiveness really is a key cornerstone to a happy and peaceful life.  Research shows that people who can forgive tend to struggle less with anger and anxiety, enjoy better health.  Take a moment when you can to do so (maybe before writing in your gratitude journal at night?  Maybe first thing when you wake up in the morning?  Decide if there is anyone in your life that you would like to forgive?  Forgiveness is simply a choice. If there is someone in your life that you are ready to forgive, I urge you to do so.  If it seems appropriate, share your choice with your child.  Forgiveness is more a mental shift than a physical activity.  You can communicate your forgiveness to the person involved, or you may simply choose to forgive the person in your heart.  When you are ready, declare your forgiveness on the declaration page of your spiral notebook.

Thank you so much for joining me on this journey!  I am so grateful for the opportunity to share these life changes with you and I can’t wait to hear from you regarding what suggestions are working for you and which ones are not working for you. 

I thank you and wish you the very best of everything!

Elizabeth Pflaum

I hope that by now you are starting to feel just a little closer to being the parent you want to be managing the peaceful household that you deserve.  I typically find that parents who are really frustrated and angry with members of their immediate family lose sight of the blessings that surround them.  I include myself in this category.  I make a very conscious effort to celebrate all of the small successes in a typical day and to do whatever I can to maintain an attitude of optimism and appreciation.

In my opinion, the most powerful tool that I have found for keeping my mood up and my perspective clear, is to maintain a gratitude journal.   A gratitude journal is a place to record all of the wonderful things that happen in your day.  Now, at first you may think nothing wonderful ever happens in your day, but we both know that is not true.  Waking up healthy is a blessing. Getting home safely from work is a blessing.  Having a child to read a bedtime story to and the joy of such a moment is a blessing. 

In my case I keep a list of fifty gratitude items every day.  Each item usually has only one or two sentences, but I do my best to capture the aspect of the event that I appreciate most.  Maintaining your gratitude journal will change your mindset completely.  Most of us tend to keep track of the disappointments, frustrations, and negative aspects of our day, sometimes enjoying the support and attention that our misery attracts. Instead, I invite you to shift your mind set completely.  As you experience your day make mental notes of items to record in your gratitude journal.  You will actually be re-training your brain to focus on the positive instead of the negative. 

For anyone who might be struggling with depression, I urge you to consider beginning a gratitude journal.  There is a cognitive component to depression that forces depressed people to view things in the most negative light. Through the practice of keeping a gratitude journal, you may actually reduce your level of depression as you recognize and appreciate the simple pleasures in your life.  In my own case, through this process I have become entirely convinced that every negative event that comes along in our lives has hidden blessings that we may not appreciate without engaging in this process.  For example, I am writing this entry from a hospital bed where I have been on and off since February.  The doctor just told me that I should expect to be here another week.  I felt like crying and was struck by a wave of self-pity that I am truly ashamed of.  However, instead of giving in to this feeling, I pulled out my gratitude journal and began to write my list of things to appreciate that relate to my prolonged hospital stay and illness. At first, I couldn’t think of anything to write, but I stayed with it, and just let the words flow from my brain to my pen and onto my paper.  I was not consciously thinking of anything, removing my mind from the process.  Much to my surprise, when I was finished I realized that I had written fifteen gratitude items and felt like I could keep going strong!  I was grateful for the doctors and advances in medicine that will help me to return to my healthier self.  I felt grateful that my children have become so much closer since my illness.  For example, my youngest son couldn’t sleep one night because I wasn’t there to do our normal evening routine and he generally missed me.  Instead of texting her friends or talking on the telephone, my fourteen year old daughter heard him crying, read him two stories, and sang to him until he fell asleep.  There were so many blessings in this one interaction that my pen ran out of ink!  I was grateful that my daughter showed such empathy to her brother and that she put his need above her friends and her favorite television show.  I was grateful that my son was able to express his feelings, and that he learned that he could depend on his sister.  I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. 

There is actual research to back up the tremendous effect of gratitude on the body and soul. Inn their article entitled “Highlights from the Research Project on Gratitude and Thankfulness,” Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough measured the effect of keeping a gratitude journal on mood, achievement, and other aspects of life.  You can find their article on line at http://psychologys.ucdavis.edu/labs/emmons/.  Among their findings are the following facts that people maintaining gratitude journals, as opposed to people who recorded annoyances, negative or neutral events in their diaries:

·        Reported feeling better physically, happier with their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the future.

·        Were more likely to have progressed toward achieving a personal goal

·        Reported having helped other people, including having offered emotional support to others.

·        Children who made positive thinking a daily habit had far better attitudes towards school and family, as opposed to their peers who were not trained to focus on the positive.

Select a location and a time of day that you will be able to write in your gratitude journal for twenty-one to thirty days as that is the time it typically takes for a behavior to become a habit.  Try to make this a pleasurable ritual.  I myself, like to write immediately before bed, both so that I can capture every special moment, and because I find the process leaves me feeling so good that I go right to sleep and sleep through the night.  I sip my chamomile tea, get comfortable on my favorite couch and write my gratitude list.  I have been doing this for just under ten years, and I can honestly tell you that this practice has both improved my general happiness and appreciation for life, but it has also turned out to be a great parenting tool, but we will get to that later. 

Once you have made a commitment to writing your gratitude journal, you might make a note on your declarations page in your spiral notebook, and declare your intention to begin this habit. 

When you are ready to start writing, please don’t try to edit.  Spelling and neatness do not count.  Be patient with yourself.  You will come up with something to write about.  You might start out with two or three items and then add one more item each day as you become more aware of the hidden gifts in your life. 

If you are feeling really ambitious, you might consider having your child begin a gratitude journal as well.  If they are too young to write, they can draw pictures of things that made them happy during the day.  Alternatively, you might ask your child to dictate their happiest times during the day and you can write them into their journal for them.

In terms of follow-up from yesterday, if you have decided you are ready to embrace change and develop the peaceful life that you seek, please jot down your declaration on the declarations page of your spiral notebook.  If you have the time, try to work on your list of changes that will have to be made in order for you to live the life you seek and list twenty reasons that you and your family will benefit from the work you are about to begin.  If you are still not ready to begin, simply continue to write down the obstacles and possible solutions, and the twenty benefits to you and your family.  Here is a brief list of possible benefits to help you get started:

1. I will be able to stop yelling at my children and my husband
2. My children will be able to focus better in school
3. I will be able to focus better at work
4. We will get along better as a family.  There will be less fighting among my children.
5. My children will learn to do what I tell them to do without acting up.
6. I will enjoy being a parent again
7. My relationship with my children will improve
8. My relationship with my partner/spouse will improve
9. I will be a happier person because I will focus on the positive instead of the negative
10. My children will learn to do their chores and everyone will help out, so I will have less work to do.

Okay, that is enough for now.  I hope that you have a wonderful day and look forward to writing the next installment on this series tomorrow.

Wishing you all the best,

Elizabeth Pflaum

Lately it seems like almost all of my clients and almost every woman I speak with all want the same thing:  children who listen and a peaceful home.   Parents describe feeling exhausted and hopeless by the constant bickering in their homes, their child's disrespect, and the day to day battles over such minutia as brushing teeth or putting on deodorant. I don't want to live like that, and you don't have to live like that.

In my current teleseminar series, on a global level, we are talking about how to bring peace to our family and harmony to our homes.  However, on a micro level we are dealing with all of the many minor events that occur daily and have the potential to derail our plans for peaceful living.  I have been working on this concept for many years and have helped numerous clients to be the parents they want to be, and to lay the foundation for the tranquil home they want to live in.  I have walked a few miles in your shoes, and I will never ask you to do something that I have not done myself. 

Every day for the next thirty days I will provide you with new action item.  Each day's direction is designed to help reduce the internal angst in your family and to create a home life that you all enjoy. 

For your first assignment, I invite you to complete three action items.  First, purchase a spiral notebook, pens that feel cofortable in your hand, and a journal that you will enjoy writing in.  

Second, find a quiet moment during the day or evening when you can be alone to quiet your mind and body.  Take some deep breaths  and ask yourself honestly if you are truly ready to make this committment.  Visualize yourself managing your children without yelling, and holding the line when your child tries to figure out just how far he can push you before he can get you to give in.  Once you begin the process of changing your child's behavior, you will have to stay the course.  Otherwise you risk losing all credibility with your child, and you will make discipline even more difficult down the road.   

Take your spiral notebook and write "Declarations" on the top of the page.  As we proceed with changes, you will note your declarations on this page.

If you have decided that you are ready to move forward, write your declaration on  your declarations page, and write a brief list of some of the changes that will need to take place. Think along the lines of the behaviors that need to be corrected; yours, your husbands and your child's behaviors.  Approach this activity with a completely open mind.  There are no rules.  Would you like to change your family's schedule?  Do you need to delegate more household chores to your children or spouse?  Consider the changes you may need to make in your family's schedule.  What are some of the conflicts that members of your family engage in day in and day out?   Are you ready to put an end to them? 

At this stage you are collecting data.  In a perfect world you might ask your partner or spouse for their  input during this step.    

If you feel that you are not ready to begin, make a list of the events that must take place so that you can proceed.  Next to each item, write out a plan for getting rid of that obstacle. If you aren't sure about how to get rid of some of the obstacles in your way, you can write multiple solutions for each one to brainstorm, and  you can seek advice from family, friends, and professionals. 

Next, regardless of whether you have decided to proceed now or to hold off, turn to a new sheet of paper from your spiral note book, and write a list of twenty aspects of your family's life that will improve once you have taken control of your children and your household. Give yourself an imaginary pat on the back for your honesty and willingness to consider change carefully, without jumping in impulsively.  Continue this process every day until you are ready to start. Each day re-write your list of obstacles and the action items that you need to engage in to get rid of them.  You may notice that as you stick to this process a number of the obstacles will simply fall away.  

Once you are ready to begin, make the commitment to yourself and declare your intention in writing on the declaration page of your notebook.  If you havent already done so, think about the changes that you will have to make in your household and write a brief list in your spiral notebook.

I thank you for joining me.  I would love to hear your thoughts, so please shoot me an email if you can.

Wishing you a great evening,

Elizabeth Pflaum

Like many of my friends and clients, I can be quick to blame myself when one of my children is struggling with something...anything.  As the mother of four with 18 years experience on the job,  and as well as a long history as a parent parent coach and ing career and educator, I should know better.  Nevertheless, I would still drive myself absolutely batty if I were to give in to this feeling.

Instead, I think back to one of my favorite stories from my beloved career as a pre-school teacher. It was early in the school year and little Jack had not had one of his best days. He was withdrawn, preferring to play by himself instead of with his friends, didn't want to sit for snack, and just wasn't his usual happy self. When his mom came to pick him up I mentioned Jack's off day to her, and she really impressed me with her incredible ability to creatively blame herself in record time. She explained that she had just gone back to school, her husband was out of town on business, and she had recently hired a new baby sitter. Obviously this was all too much for little Jack and she was going to ask her husband to come home and seriously reconsider the Master's Program in which she was enrolled.

As we spoke I felt Jack pulling on my pant leg. I bent down and when we made eye contact he very bravely told me that nothing was wrong, he just had to poop and his poop wouldn't come out! He was afraid of having an accident so he wanted to be by himself.

His mom held him in her arms with all the love in the world, and we continued to chat about the changes she was considering making. All of a sudden Jack turned his head and looked at me with a face that said nothing less than "all grown-ups are crazy," and he repeated again, "No, I told you, I just have to poop."

The next day he returned to school in his typical good mood, looking for friends to play with at the Little Tykes Building Table. His stomach had recovered, and he was happy to be able to play with his friends again.

His poor Mom was still considering whether or not she should pursue her Masters, ask her husband to cut his business trip short, or if there was something else that she should be doing to help Jack. I related with her completely, of course.

However, after 18 years of parenting, and five years working as a parent coach and educator, I am convinced that sometimes problems really are as they seem. As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to cope with these minor trials and tribulations in life without being thrown by them. This requires the ability to identify what is really going on, and to come up with a reasonable solution to situations that arise. This also requires that we trust our children to know what is going on in their lives. In this case, Jack was right, he just had to poop.  Sometimes it is that simple and our children really do understand their own needs.

When we question our whole world and all plans because of a challenge our child is facing, our children learn this same behavior. They learn anxiety and angst. Instead, we are better off letting our children watch us face minor problems with confidence and dignity, developing the coping strategies necessary to resolve challenges that come up responsibly and independently.

Wishing you all the best,

Elizabeth Pflaum